


Your Thorns I Pressed Into My Fingers

by gotchick



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Family Issues, Healing, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-19 21:59:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11907045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: Even now, Sanghyuk still couldn't believe he had the right to hold this delicate hand.





	Your Thorns I Pressed Into My Fingers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kiiyah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiiyah/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Knife I Pressed Into My Skin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870794) by [Kiiyah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiiyah/pseuds/Kiiyah). 



> please read the warnings in the tags before reading this fic!
> 
> to Kiiyah: i hope it's ok that i chose to remix this fic! when i read it, i found it very beautiful, raw and heartbreaking and it was the fic that moved me the most emotionally, so i decided to remix it :) i felt so lucky to get you as a remixee because your fic inspired me a lot and was relatively easy and fun to write a remix for (despite the theme). personally, i also really love your writing style. i hope the title is alright too, i wanted to create one that was similar to the style of yours but i'm not very good at coming up with titles haha.

The first time Sanghyuk walked in on Jaehwan cutting in his house, he couldn’t breathe for a moment. He already knew Jaehwan did this — but seeing the blood actually dripping down his arm tore his heart out of his chest. Jaehwan didn’t notice him at first, seeming hypnotised by the liquid flow of red. Sanghyuk called his name hoarsely, urgently. He looked up, eyes dazed. A guilty, embarrassed look immediately crossed his face and he tried to hide the penknife, but it was too late.

Sanghyuk walked up shakily and gently uncurled Jaehwan’s fingers, loosening the blade from them. He tossed it into the trash, his own fingers trembling.

“Why did you do it again?” he asked.

“It soothes me, takes the edge off.” Jaehwan’s calm answer broke his heart. “I’m sorry, Hyukkie, but I can’t quit. Not yet.”

“For me?” Sanghyuk pled, a desperate attempt.

“Sorry,” Jaehwan repeated quietly, and Sanghyuk immediately regretted. He didn’t want to make Jaehwan feel like he was disappointing him, when he already felt that way towards others. He didn’t want to put pressure on Jaehwan to do anything he didn’t want to. But… Sanghyuk couldn’t watch Jaehwan hurting the body Sanghyuk loved without saying anything.

 

“Let me do it.” Sanghyuk reached out for the bandage Jaehwan was unrolling.

Jaehwan gave him a small smile and passed it to him without resisting.

“I used to do it myself. I never thought I would have someone to help me.”

Sanghyuk mechanically wrapped Jaehwan’s arm up with painstaking gentleness, trying not to feel anything looking at the painful raw wound, trying to see this as any arm other than his lover’s.

“What happened?” he asked softly, concentrating on fastening the bandage snugly over Jaehwan’s thin arm.

 

Jaehwan took a moment to answer. “Last night, my parents…” He trailed off, seeming too pained by the memory to continue.

Sanghyuk moved Jaehwan’s arm carefully back into his lap, not daring to jolt it further. They were sitting on the floor in Jaehwan’s bathroom, facing each other. Sanghyuk looked up to meet Jaehwan’s eyes seriously.

“You know it’s not your fault, right? Whatever happens is between them. You’re not responsible.”

Jaehwan looked surprised. He stared unblinkingly at Sanghyuk with wide eyes for a while, before lowering his head and replying softly. “I know.”

Sanghyuk gazed at the crown of his head. “I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my boundaries, and I know I don’t know anything about your family situation… but as someone who cares for you, I just wish you wouldn’t blame yourself for anything that isn’t under your control. Because Jaehwan hyung… you deserve to live too. You deserve happiness.” He didn’t realise how his voice had grown more emotional until he said the last word.

Even as he said that, he heard how presumptuous he sounded. As someone who had never gone through the same experiences as Jaehwan, he had no right to even imagine he could understand how Jaehwan felt. And he knew well that family was something inseparable from oneself, knit into one’s bones because they were flesh and blood. Besides, it was possible that Jaehwan had other problems he wasn’t aware of too.

But Jaehwan didn’t seem to mind. He smiled weakly at Sanghyuk, reaching for his hand. “I know you care for me, Sanghyuk-ah. But achieving happiness is more difficult than you think. I count myself lucky if I’m able to just feel numb.”

 

He left Jaehwan’s house soon after with the conversation having tapered off, unfinished and left hanging. The next time they met was during lunch in school the next day. Sanghyuk told Jaehwan he wanted to treat him to dinner.

Jaehwan looked up sharply. “Are you pitying me?”

“Of course not!” Sanghyuk immediately replied, but he couldn’t meet Jaehwan’s eyes, feeling guilty. It was true he had wanted to buy Jaehwan dinner because Jaehwan had told him some time ago he didn’t get an allowance, but it wasn’t true that he pitied Jaehwan. He had never felt pity for Jaehwan. Empathy and sympathy, yes. But not pity.

He wondered what he should say for Jaehwan to believe him.

“Hyung…” he started. “I wanted to have dinner with you because I want to spend more time with you. And I don’t pity you, but… everything you do just makes me want to protect you more.”

Jaehwan blinked, stunned, then broke into a startled smile. Sanghyuk beamed back. It looked like Jaehwan believed him.

 

Since they transitioned from friends to lovers and started dating, they’d began spending their lunch breaks together having heart-to-heart talks. It seemed to do Jaehwan a world of good just having a listening ear, and Sanghyuk just wanted to be there for him in any way he could. As he gradually let down his guard and confided in Sanghyuk, he couldn’t help noticing what a good talker Jaehwan was. He had an interesting personality and a nice voice. Sanghyuk felt so honoured that Jaehwan trusted him enough to share his personal and private emotions with him. He vowed to be worthy of Jaehwan’s trust.

“I really appreciate you opening up to me,” he said carefully. “And maybe in the future… you could consider sharing your problems with other people besides me too. Finding a few close friends who are trustworthy and learning to trust them too, maybe. You seem lighter, less stressed after you talk to me.”

“I am,” Jaehwan agreed, but seemed to hesitate at Sanghyuk’s suggestion. “But I don’t know… if other people would understand, or care. What if they laugh at me, or use it against me?”

Sanghyuk placed his hand on Jaehwan’s knee. “Yes, I know it’s hard. And I know better than anybody else that you can’t afford the heartbreak and hurt. But I hope that one day, you’ll be able to feel ready to take this risk. I want you to have more people to share your feelings with, besides me. Sometimes, even an additional new perspective makes a difference.”

Jaehwan smiled at him indulgently and nodded. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“That’s my hyung.” Sanghyuk was so proud of him. “Hyung… I just wanted you to remind you that you’re doing so well. You can do it. I’m here for you. You’re braver and stronger than you think you are, and I know the suffering you’ve gone through.”

Jaehwan looked speechless at his sincere words. “No one has ever told me that before,” he whispered, eyes red-rimmed.

“I’m honoured to be the first,” Sanghyuk replied, moving closer to give him comfort.

Jaehwan sighed, and shifted closer too, leaning against him and resting his head on Sanghyuk’s shoulder. They were sitting under the tree, the breeze pleasant in their hair. Sanghyuk wrapped his arm around Jaehwan, worried he felt cold.

Jaehwan snuggled against him comfortably. “I just feel so at home when I’m with you. Around others, I have to pretend to be okay, to be happy, and it’s tiring. You were the only one who noticed what’s under my sleeve, under my face.”

Sanghyuk stroked his hair. “Yes, there’s no need for pretence between us,” he whispered into Jaehwan’s hair. “You can show me anything, tell me anything."

 

Sometimes, the memories would upset Jaehwan too much and Sanghyuk would feel bad for making him relive them and recount them to him.

“Relax. Breathe,” he would murmur as Jaehwan buried his face in his shirt. “Look at me.”

Jaehwan raised his head timidly to meet his eyes, his face flushed and tired. “I love you,” Sanghyuk said simply.

“I’m no good for you,” Jaehwan sniffled, not crying but emotionally wrung.

Sanghyuk’s chest tightened. “We’ve been over this, hyung. I’m not going to leave. I’m here to stay.”

“Nobody stays,” Jaehwan muttered in disbelief into his shirt, adorably muffled.

“Then let me be nobody,” Sanghyuk replied, slightly flirting. He knew he should be serious, but his heart was just so filled with love for Jaehwan he thought it might burst. “I’m not like the others,” he continued quietly. “You don’t have to believe me immediately, but I hope you’ll give me a chance to prove it to you.”

Jaehwan looked up at him, his eyes glossy with wonder. “Okay,” he said softly, seeming moved by Sanghyuk’s earnest tone.

 

But when he pushed up Jaehwan’s long sleeves and tried to kiss the fading scars on his arm, Jaehwan pulled it away, looking stung.

“Don’t,” he whispered, clutching his arm to his chest. “I’m ashamed.”

“You said you would show me everything, without pretending.” Sanghyuk took off his glasses and ran his hand over his face, through his hair. “I wanted to kiss your arm because it’s beautiful,” he stated.

“How can you find it beautiful?” Jaehwan protested, aghast. He was staring at Sanghyuk in shock.

“Hyung,” Sanghyuk said patiently. “Don’t you understand? Your imperfections are the most beautiful things about you.”

Jaehwan was silent, catching his breath. His eyes remained fixed on Sanghyuk, so he continued.

“You’re beautiful, not just on the outside but on the inside too, where it matters.”

“Hyukkie.” Jaehwan’s voice cracked as he just uttered Sanghyuk’s name, in hushed awe. Sanghyuk could read what he was thinking in his eyes. _It’s a miracle I met you_.

 

That was a day Sanghyuk felt they had made progress. But there were some days when Jaehwan was uncommunicative.

“I know you want to be alone,” Sanghyuk reassured him understandingly. “I’ll leave.”

“No!” Jaehwan burst out unexpectedly, tugging at the hem of his shirt. Sanghyuk turned back and stopped walking away, confused.

“I’m afraid,” Jaehwan continued agitatedly. “I never felt lonely before. But after I met you, Hyukkie… I never want to be alone again.” His voice was vehement.

“Oh, hyung.” Sanghyuk immediately reached down and gathered him into his arms. Jaehwan was shaking, blinking rapidly to fight back tears. Sanghyuk peeled his glasses off and put them on Jaehwan’s face so no one would see him so close to breaking down except himself. Jaehwan looked so lovely in Sanghyuk’s glasses, in his arms. “You can feel safe. I’ll never hurt you.”

He knew he needed to be strong when Jaehwan faltered, hold his boyfriend together when he fell apart. He wanted Jaehwan to let it all out, finally let go of the repressed emotions bottled up inside him for so many years. Jaehwan’s shoulders were fragile in his embrace and Sanghyuk was overwhelmed by the breathtaking urge to take care of him.

 

When Sanghyuk had told him about how he had been watching over Jaehwan since middle school, Jaehwan’s mouth fell open in pleasant surprise and his face broke into a rare, broad grin.

After that, he started affectionately calling Sanghyuk his guardian angel. “You’re like my hero who appears at the times I need you most, the times I feel the most alone in the world.”

Sanghyuk smiled, flattered, but shook his head honestly. “I’m just a human being, like you.”

It was precisely this about Jaehwan that made him impossible not to love — his easygoing warmth, big-heartedness and magnanimous treatment of both friends and strangers; how he didn’t even mind that Sanghyuk had been admiring him from afar for so many years, but instead received his love in the best possible way. Sanghyuk had hesitated for a long time, afraid to reveal himself, afraid Jaehwan wouldn’t like him; but when he saw Jaehwan holding that box cutter under the tree, looking like he had reached the end of his endurance, he knew it was time for him to enter Jaehwan’s life.

Even now, Sanghyuk still couldn’t believe he had the right to hold this delicate hand. It felt surreal that Jaehwan had agreed to be his, had trusted Sanghyuk with not just his body but even more preciously, his mind. Sanghyuk would never, ever let Jaehwan down.

He still clearly remembered that small gesture of enormous kindness Jaehwan had extended to him on the first day they met, as strangers brushing shoulders. In the years that had followed, Sanghyuk had kept an eye on him, at first merely out of curiosity, but then platonic feelings had grown into something deeper. And on that day when he saw Jaehwan looking so frustrated and desperate, one movement away from hurting himself, Sanghyuk had found the answer to what he had been wondering about for months. The way his heart wrenched told him this person was who he wanted to love.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehwan told him frequently. “For burdening you with my problems. Thank you.”

“Hyung.” Sanghyuk touched his shoulder, reproachfully. “You know you don’t have to stand on ceremony with me. There’s no such thing as yours and mine between us. It’s my pleasure and privilege that you allowed me to be beside you. And… if it was me, you’d be there for me too, wouldn’t you.”

He said it as a statement, not a question. He was that certain.

As expected, Jaehwan immediately replied, firmly: “Unconditionally.”

“There you go,” Sanghyuk smiled irresistibly, making Jaehwan’s face soften.

 

Sanghyuk changed the subject to a lighter one, telling Jaehwan again how bright and confident he shone the day Sanghyuk first saw him; he was like sunshine. “You were the _sunbae_ I idolised and worshiped most,” he admitted shyly.

He used the past tense because Jaehwan was no longer only his upperclassman, and Sanghyuk’s adulation had now changed into adoration as an equal. But Jaehwan misunderstood his meaning.

“I’m no longer the person I was then,” he said humbly.

“No!” Sanghyuk said, getting a little too fired up. “You’re so much better.” He took both of Jaehwan’s shoulders and turned to face him, gazing straight into his eyes to emphasise his point. “I mean it. This may sound weird and presumptuous to say since you’re older than me, but hyung — I think you’ve grown up beautifully. And to me… you shine more and more every day.”

“You’re so cheesy.” Jaehwan swatted his chest, but he was hiding a smile. Jaehwan’s smile was so gorgeous, Sanghyuk felt himself falling again.

“Many people look at me daily, but Sanghyuk-ah, I feel that you’re the only one who _sees_ me,” Jaehwan blurted out, seeming to have been thinking of this for a long time.

Sanghyuk digested the words and pondered them too. He too, had realised some time ago, that although he had been looking at Jaehwan for years, it was only recently that he really _saw_ him. Jaehwan always put up a neutral face to hide his emotions from strangers who looked at him, understandably. But even before he had seen him under that tree, sometimes Sanghyuk had caught a glimpse of a flash of pensiveness crossing Jaehwan’s face, a sorrowful tinge to his smile. His quiet and mysterious aura drove all the girls crazy, but sometimes it seemed like it wasn’t just that he had matured but was brooding over real problems.

Only someone who observed Jaehwan as closely as Sanghyuk did could have caught it. And so he had been worried and concerned for awhile, if anything was making Jaehwan sad.

Sanghyuk loved nothing more than to see Jaehwan being happy and smiling. But he respected that this was a challenge to Jaehwan, one that seemed insurmountable at times. So Sanghyuk wanted to do everything he could to help Jaehwan attain the happiness he deserved.

Yes, it was true that Jaehwan was ridiculously handsome in a way one couldn’t not notice — but when a person got to know him better, Jaehwan’s superficial beauty became the last thing about him they noticed. Because it was just so outshone by his witty humour and four-dimensional personality, his undimmable brightness. Even before Sanghyuk got to know Jaehwan intimately, this universe inside Jaehwan was a world he caught a fleeting glimpse into and became fascinated with. And now, he had discovered it was everything he had imagined and more.

“You changed my life, just by being yourself,” he told Jaehwan in amazement.

“So did you,” Jaehwan complimented him back without missing a beat. “You give me strength and courage and everything I need and could never find. You’re the reason I get out of bed every morning, Han Sanghyuk. You’re just a brat who’s younger than me — but how could you be so mature?” Jaehwan touched his face tentatively, as if not daring to believe he was real.

Sanghyuk smiled, lips pressed together. He was absurdly pleased that Jaehwan had called him mature. Because he was always aware of the few years difference between them, and also because he wanted to be the most adult version of himself to make Jaehwan feel secure, he had been trying extra hard. But Jaehwan didn’t need to know that it didn’t come effortlessly to him. “That’s because you bring out the best in me,” he just replied enigmatically.

 

It was true. Jaehwan wore his heart on his sleeve and felt too much and took on other people’s burdens, because that was just how he was — but that was exactly what Sanghyuk loved most about him. He loved how soft-hearted and caring and vulnerable Jaehwan was, the sensitivity with which he loved and lived. Jaehwan amazed him every day with a new and marvellous quality Sanghyuk discovered about him. He had so many layers, like an onion, and Sanghyuk wanted to spend every day of his life uncovering another of his depths.

 

It was a few months since they became friends and started dating, and Sanghyuk was still as in love with Jaehwan as ever.

One night, Jaehwan called his cell at two in the morning and told him he was standing outside his door.

Sanghyuk nearly tripped down the stairs of his house skidding to open the door for Jaehwan.

“What are you doing here?” He was still rubbing his eyes awake sleepily, but felt a twinge of worry because he knew nights were the most difficult times for Jaehwan.

Jaehwan laughed and tousled his pillow-mussed hair. “You look adorable.” Sanghyuk blushed, revelling in Jaehwan’s touch.

Jaehwan looked good, though a bit tired. He seemed out of breath, panting a little.

“I ran all the way here,” he explained. “I’m sorry for waking you up at this hour, but I just had to see you now.”

“It’s all right,” Sanghyuk reassured him, wiping the glistening of sweat on Jaehwan’s neck with the back of his hand. He let his palm trail down Jaehwan’s arm tentatively. “Are you okay?”

Jaehwan paused, a fleeting trace of pain crossing his face before he smiled up at Sanghyuk tremulously. “Honestly… I was on the verge of using my blade again just now. But just when I was about to press it into my skin, your face flashed into my mind. I imagined how achingly sad you would look if you saw my wound the next day… and I imagined how you would tell me _I’m so proud of you_ if I didn’t do it. And so… I stopped and dropped it and ran all the way here. I worked off a little of my nervous energy running, and now I feel much better.”

Sanghyuk was dumbfounded by his long speech. This was the first time Jaehwan had told him anything like this. It felt like a dream come true.

Sanghyuk looked straight into Jaehwan’s sparkling eyes. The night was behind him, sprinkled with stars and Jaehwan had never looked so heartbreakingly beautiful. On impulse, Sanghyuk leaned forward and pressed a clumsy kiss against his mouth. He missed slightly and landed on the corner of Jaehwan’s lips.

He quickly pulled away, blushing, but Jaehwan’s face was a pretty pink too, and he brought up a hand to touch the spot where Sanghyuk’s lips had been in wonder.

“I’m so proud of you, Lee Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk said hoarsely. The words came out automatically, not because Jaehwan expected him to say them, but because he genuinely felt pride bursting out of his chest for his boyfriend.

Jaehwan just gazed at him quietly, like he was speechless to hear the words in Sanghyuk’s voice. The ends of his mouth curled up in a small contented smile, making Sanghyuk want to kiss them again.

He cleared his throat and stepped aside, gesturing to his open doorway. “Do you want to come in? You must be tired.”

“Can I?” Jaehwan asked apprehensively, lips parting. “Thanks.”

 

He had been to Sanghyuk’s house after school before, but never at night. Sanghyuk closed and locked the front door softly, then turned to see Jaehwan standing in the middle of his living room, bathed in moonlight. He looked a little uncertain, a little triumphant, a lot afraid of the future. Sanghyuk’s heart pounded.

“You know you’re terribly important to me, right? I can’t lose you.” He didn’t just mean it in the literal way. He also meant to sadness, to the void of hollow emptiness he knew still plagued Jaehwan, to the monsters that haunted him even in his sleep. Although he knew he was only a child and it was naive, Sanghyuk still wanted to save Jaehwan from everything that entrapped him and never, ever let go of this boy.

Jaehwan turned around. He was so, so beautiful Sanghyuk’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t believe a person this attractive — inside and out — could feel unhappy, but he knew that it was all too possible.

“I know that,” Jaehwan said, smiling softly. “I… want to get better,” he murmured hesitantly. “For you, and for myself.”

“I know you’ve always been trying your best.” Sanghyuk was so happy to hear that, he felt a weight had been lifted off his chest. “Let’s do it together, okay? We’ll try and help you recover slowly, one step at a time.”

His heart soared when Jaehwan nodded shyly.

Sanghyuk moved towards him and danced his fingers down Jaehwan’s bare, unbandaged arm. He was so glad Jaehwan didn’t hurt it, and to see he wasn’t hiding his scars under long sleeves today. Goosepimples rose on Jaehwan’s skin under his light, skimming touch.

“It’s late,” Sanghyuk whispered. “Do you want to stay the night?”

“Is that okay?” Jaehwan asked again, in an equally low voice. Sanghyuk grinned and nodded.

Contrary to what people might think, their first night in the same bed wasn’t spent doing anything more than hugging, more kissing and talking, again. Jaehwan’s voice had quickly become Sanghyuk’s favourite thing in the world.

“What was it today?” Sanghyuk finally got to ask, meaning what triggered Jaehwan’s emotional reaction.

Jaehwan sighed, looking grateful to him for asking. “Same shit, different day.”

 

Sanghyuk forgot how to breathe for a moment when he woke up the next morning to see Jaehwan fast asleep in his tangle of covers, curled up against Sanghyuk in his bed. He couldn’t resist reaching out to gently stroke Jaehwan’s hair off his forehead, but accidentally woke Jaehwan up.

Jaehwan yawned and stretched comfortably, then quirked a lopsided smile at him. Sanghyuk smiled back bashfully, feeling abruptly embarrassed of his morning bedhead, wanting to rush to the bathroom and check himself in the mirror and brush his teeth in case Jaehwan wanted to kiss again.

But Jaehwan just gazed at him thoughtfully, cocking his head to study Sanghyuk as if he was a puzzle he couldn’t unlock. “Wouldn’t you rather have a relationship with someone uncomplicated, easy?”

It always came down to the same gentle argument between them, not because either of them were really angry but because they cared _too much_ for each other. Sanghyuk tried to convince Jaehwan that he had never seen him as difficult.

“I love you,” he reminded Jaehwan, gently. Jaehwan ducked his head, blush staining his cheekbones. Sanghyuk wished he could find the words to express how he felt — it would always be Jaehwan for him, _because_ it couldn’t be anybody else. It was as simple as that. No one else had ever held his eyes and mind and heart enthralled the way Jaehwan effortlessly did.

Jaehwan called to him just as he was leaving the room to bring him breakfast, making him stop in the doorway. He turned back to see Jaehwan looking small and vulnerable in his ocean of sheets, looking at Sanghyuk like he had been drowning and Sanghyuk was the lifebuoy that saved him.

“Could you promise me something?”

“Anything,” Sanghyuk vowed even before he heard Jaehwan’s request.

Jaehwan smiled, looking loved. He hesitated. “Will you… always stay in my life, no matter what happens? Even if we ever break up, I hope you can still be by my side in the capacity of a friend. If you did… I think I might be able to cope, somehow.” Jaehwan looked so hopeful in the warm morning light haloing his hair.

“I will,” Sanghyuk replied steadily, looking at him. It was the easiest promise he’d ever made.


End file.
